Happy Birthday, Mom

It is that time of year again. Tomorrow, May 7 would be my mother's 53rd birthday. I never dwell long on her untimely death anymore. I have had 21 years to let it soak in. In fact, I only put a lot of thought into it every year around her birthday, and the day she succomed to liver cancer (January 5 1986). During these times, I often wonder what she would look like. What path would I have taken having not had to deal with such a traumatic experience so early in my life. I was eight at the time, and I can remember very vividly the impact it had on my younger siblings. My brother Jeremy and sister Jen took it very hard. My youngest brother, Jacob, was barely three. I can't imagine the sense of confusion he must have been dealing with. When I consider them, especially Jacob, it breaks my heart. I look at my own kids and think "What if the same thing happened to them now?" Jayden is about as old as Jeremy was, and Joshua is almost as old as Jacob was. I literally get a headache when these thoughts come to mind. I know I shouldn't think this way, but it is hard not to having gone through what I have been through.

This is by no means a plea for pity. I just never have articulated some of these thoughts publicly. It took years to come to terms with what happened. I always told myself I was fine, but in 2002, Dream Theater (I know...again with the Dream Theater) released an album. On the first disc, the last song "Disappear" ends with some lyrics I would like to share. They read:

So I'm moving on
I'll never forget
As you lay there and watched me
Accepting the end
I knew you were scared
You were strong I was trying
I gave you my hand
I said it's okay letting go time to leave here
And I'll carry on
The best that I can without you here beside me
Let him come take you home

With the exception of the first line, that was very similar to what actually might have been the last conversation I had with my mother. I am sure I wasn't as poetic, but I was certainly as profound. After hearing that song the first time, I kept going back to that segment and listened to it over and over again. Then a sense of peace came over me. For years, I guess I was never really sure I had dealt with Mom's death (and the watching her slowly die) well. I realized at that moment that the conversation we had was exactly the conversation we needed to have. Seeing her in pain as I had in the months preceding her death was worse than her death itself. She needed to know I loved her, and that I would be strong.

My Dad would later remarry, and life would carry on. Even though Mom (current) and I have bumped heads on more than one occasion as I was struggling with myself over all of this, she is a rock I know I can lean on whenever I need to. I very much love her and appreciate the sacrifices she has made for me. I won't go into too much detail as I plan to post a mothers day blog for her next week. So I will leave it there for right now.

This upcoming week has three finals in two days for me. Then, for about two weeks, I will have a much needed rest from school before picking it up for another eight weeks in the summer.

Yesterday, Jeremy and his family came out to my place. Jennifer went to Kristin's baby shower initially, but then they came back and I sprung for some KFC. I was feeling a hair efnik. I was upset that they had no collared greens, chitlins, watermelon, or red kool-aid.

Last night, I got together with friends at Mike's place. At Christina's request, I brough Boxers or Briefs with me. Other than Mike, Steph, and Christina, Jeff joined us as did Danielle, one of Steph's friends. As always, we had a great time. One of the best things about hanging out with these guys is that everyone is positive, and we are always laughing. Good times. Always good times.